It’s Friday, March 14, 2025, 5:24pm.  It’s kinda sunny outside and getting warmer daily.  Last night was the full blood moon eclipse or something, but I slept through it’s ideal viewing time.  My cat snoozes to my left as I type this out on my living room couch.  This is another edition in the Crip Time essays.  I started this one a week ago, and here it is in entirety:

CRIP TIME 2: On LABOR & WAGES

It’s Friday March 7, 2025, 4:07pm.  It’s still kinda warm and sunny outside and I’m sitting on my living room couch while my cat snoozes beside me on her sea of blankets.

I just got home from dropping my sweetie off at work.  He works full time (5 days a week/8-hour shifts) at a residential group home for people with mental health conditions.  Before getting out of the car, he was telling me about how one counselor at the group home recently needed to take an extended leave of absence from work to take care of their own life and needs, which is impossible when also addressing all the needs of their job on a full-time basis.  This is a constant problem for anyone in a demanding field or industry, especially during times of political/social/economic crisis as we have been experiencing here in the USA for a long time now.  It made me think not only of mental health counselors but also ER doctors, nurses, PCA’s (personal care attendants), public school teachers, mothers and caretakers (who may still have other full-time jobs to tend to additionally), and so many more.  It also made me think of an old meme I saw that illustrated how therapists also need their own therapists themselves.  Some people laugh at this concept, but that only makes me wonder what that laughing person’s job is?  And what are the daily demands of their job?

In my previous essay about “Crip Time”, I mentioned my theory about how  analyzing this concept could be helpful to ALL people.  Here is that part again: “I feel that pondering the expansiveness of crip time would be helpful for people who aren’t constantly ill in understanding what it’s like to be so.  But its also helpful to reexamining all aspects of modern life and its continually failing/crumbling systems and structures as well as our relationships to them.”  The system/structure that I want to examine in this essay is that of LABOR, it’s relation to time plus our mortal bodies/abilities, and the concept of being compensated for this “work”.

One time, long ago, I had one of those “nice” jobs.  The kind where they really take care of you: full health benefits, PTO (paid time off), plus other cool perks.  If you worked there long enough, they even hooked you up with a cell phone that was paid for as well as a vehicle that you can also use outside of work.  Even still, I found myself overwhelmed by the workload and the variety of personalities I had to answer to on a daily basis.  It came to a head for me several times.  One time, I was deep at work trying to finish editing an important video in order to meet a strict deadline.  However, my office door was always open to whomever chose to walk in (I always liked having an “open door policy” lol how *~*progressive*~* of me!).  While I was attempting to concentrate and trying to meet my deadline, I found my office suddenly crowded by three different bosses.  They all seemed to be talking at once about three completely different matters.  What made me angry is that most of the demands they were making of me had absolutely nothing to do with my job description.  A year before this, I even “quit” that job at the drop of a hat when I was asked to make a PowerPoint presentation for someone else, which was also unrelated to my job.  I stormed out of the office after announcing my resignation and went for a walk by the wharfs downtown, ignoring a barrage of phone calls from all of my bosses pleading for me to come back.  I obviously did go back, because I was passionate about my work - but I was SO MAD lol.  Anyways, this time I decided to try a less “emotional” approach (I was often criticized at this job for “lacking a sense of humor” and tried to work on this).  As the three chattering men crowding my office continued to raise the volumes of their 3 individual conversations, I quickly switched applications on my computer.  I went from my Final Cut editing software to my iTunes and let one of my favorite Black Flag songs RIP through my computer speakers.  “I’M NOT A MACHIIIIIIIIINE! MACHIIIIIINE!  MACHIIIIIINE!”  (At least they stopped talking.)  The next year I replaced myself at this job and resigned.  I never had a “nice, full-time, salaried job” again, for better or (oftentimes) worse.

Sitting in the car with my sweetie before he had to go off to work, I couldn’t help but wonder: why don’t they simply reorganize the scheduling process for his job?  It is clear that burnout is a constant problem in his industry.  It made me think of an ex from my past - a friendly, cheerful writer from Texas who paid his way through private college by winning a highly-coveted scholarship but also working summers on an oil rig.  Their schedules were very grueling and were organized by a general standard of “10 days on/10 days off”.  So for the first 10 days you worked your long-ass shift (probably 12 hours) while living on the job site.  Then, you got to go home or wherever for your 10 days off.  While I still think that job schedule is RIDICULOUS and ABSURD, I began to wonder if this practice had any logic whatsoever behind it.  What if the counselors at the group home worked 1 day on/2-3 days off, based on their individual needs?  Maybe this schedule would ensure that the counselors had enough time to address their own daily health needs or at least get a chance to regroup from an especially traumatizing day at work (in that industry - there are many of these!).  This made my head spin, because a barrage of further questions filled my mind immediately. 

Work is work - and eventually, everything becomes a grind.  I’ve heard these sayings before in many different contexts and tend to agree with them.  Even the greatest job in the world becomes grating when it comes at you intensely for too many days in a row.  What if we tried to remedy this by having a “healthier” relationship with TIME?  I know it’s not that easy tho - because first we would have to address our unhealthy/unsustainable relationship with equating time with money & PROFIT.

I’m not an economist nor a business magnate (thank the Lord, AMEN), so to investigate this further I decided to do an online search of a catchphrase I hear among capitalists who deem themselves “ethical”.  My search was: “profit-driven wages”.  I simply wanted to know - what does that actually mean?  My logical self believes that phrase would imply that the more profits a company makes, the higher its wages for employees go.  But how is this different from a worker-owned cooperative?  So far, my brief internet search leads me to believe the only difference is: MANAGEMENT.  Anyone who has seen the 1999 comedy film Office Space can tell you - managers are the most loathed people in any industry!  Probably because they are so useless.  They don’t “labor” in any way that is valuable to humanity.  They simply protect the profits of the bosses.  They’re kinda like insurance companies it seems.  The irritating “middle-man” that prevents anything from actually getting done in an efficient and ethical way. 

The first hit on my internet search for “profit-driven wages” was this article from 2 days ago posted on Forbes.  This is what I would call a “puff piece”, otherwise known as “puffery”.  Thats the kind of word you use to describe a piece of “journalism” that does not serve any purpose at all: it is neither helpful nor informative and even might serve to distract from/dismiss larger problems at hand.  Why do I feel this way?

The piece is very short (under 700 words if my word document app counted correctly) and is titled “People Over Profit: The Key To Long-Term Innovation And Growth”.  While it only mentions the successes of major, multi-million (probably billion at this point?) corporations, the article is nestled under the “Small Business” section of the Forbes website.  I find this interesting because it seems that the author truly wants the readers to believe that anything a corporation can do - the little guy can too!  That sounds nice and whimsical or whatever but we all know this is not true.  We also all know that a corporation vs. a small business deals with completely different environments, issues, taxes, and most importantly - very different amounts of PROFIT.

The article begins with a quote from Henry Ford: “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.”  Sure, I remember my government-issue American history book in high school also lauding Henry Ford as some type of humanist/savior/deity.  However, as an adult, I also know he was a prominent antiSemite, a dedicated union-buster, and even at one point implemented codes of conduct for his workers that were enforced by surveillance tactics (which was the only way these workers could even access his offered “profit-sharing”).  While it’s nice that he implemented a 5-day workweek and $5 “competitive wages” for his time, I can’t help but wonder if this man truly gave a shit about any of the workers he employed in his industry, or if he was just another power-hungry authoritarian trying to prove to others that his way is THE BEST WAY (and must therefore be implemented by ALL).  Some may have called him a “generous” man, tho I would argue that what appears to be GENEROSITY is neutralized/dissipated as such when driven by it’s complete opposition: AVARICE.  

But it’s not only that!  My crip brain tells me: don’t trust a single soul that demands STANDARDIZATION for all.  I know for a fact: all bodies are different and have inherently different needs.  I know for a fact: health is a valuable asset.  I know for a fact: time isn’t real, but will always be counted for the profit of capitalists.  There sure are a lot of vultures out there.  If these vultures choose a process of standardization that we must all adhere to, lets guess who it’s gonna benefit the most…

Anyways, back to the puff piece.  The article in question acknowledges that most employees these days are burned out, overworked, and generally unsatisfied.  The author brings up Google’s “innovative” policy, called the “20% time initiative”, which apparently led to employee satisfaction within that company.  The purpose of the initiative was to allow all Google employees to utilize 20% of their time while at work on “projects they are passionate about”.  One *~*incredible innovative result*~* of this program was apparently the development of Gmail!  Nevermind any employees that chose to use their 20% time initiative on writing a novel or spearheading necessary scientific research to help save lives - what counts most is that employees chose to use this time to help Google drive up their own profits!  I wonder if the developers of gmail saw their wages increase once that service was rolled out and took off…

The next chunk of the article essentially states that in times of *uncertainty*, employers absolutely need to prioritize profit in order to ensure success for the company, job stability for its employees, and “sustainability”.  It’s kinda interesting how quickly the author of this article backtracks on what he just said about how happy employees are integral to any business.  Then, the article poses some aimless questions that every “good business” should ask themselves (“What steps can we take to create a more people-centric culture in our organization?”).  But there are no suggested answers to any of these questions.  The article concludes with a series of platitudes that, again, never actually address the material realities of any of these unsatisfied employees nor any ways that their employers could treat them right.  

I quickly researched who this author was.  His name is Raul Handa and he is a “Forbes Councils Member”, whatever that is lol.  He also runs some company based in Dubai called the Forttuna Group.  Their website’s “About Us” section sounds kinda vague, but it seems like they are in the business of some kind of event planning and providing some kind of support to start-ups.

Feeling completely nauseous at this point - so I need to stop my random researching and gather the tides in my belly.  My conclusion is: before we can repair humanity’s unhealthy relationship with TIME, we will need to overthrow capitalism first.  As long as an hour of a mortal human being’s life is measured against a currency, any currency at all, we are doomed to toil endlessly for the profit of some guy who rather write a puff piece for forbes dot com rather than share the earnings of his company with all of his employees.

But let’s forget about Raul, forbes, and Henry Ford for a second.  What constitutes LABOR?  In my mind - labor refers to any physical, psychological, or emotional output in service to others and the self too.  On the internet - the word “labor” is defined by “work; especially hard physical work” when used as a noun.  When used as a verb, it is defined as “working hard” and “making great effort” or “having difficulty in doing something despite working hard”.  I can see how an industry such as mental health counseling doesn’t earn you much these days since that “labor” can’t be incentivized with profit.  You’re not producing any product to be sold - you’re being a human helping out other humans who need help.  I can also see how domestic work, including cooking, cleaning, and raising children, doesn’t even register as “labor” on some people’s maps.  I’ve never given birth to a baby myself, but I suspect there is a reason why in the english language we refer to the act of childbirth as someone being “in labor”.  That shit sounds *very* physically/emotionally/psychologically HARD.  And yet - did those people get paid and is this labor valued at anything?  I also think about tech workers a lot, probably because there are so many of them here in Boston, MA.  They make A LOT more money per hour than my sweetie does at his job, but this confuses me infinitely.  Their jobs don’t require all the labor that my sweetie performs at his job.  They perform lots of psychological labor, or mental tasks, but do not perform physical or emotional labor typically.  However, my sweetie is expected to perform all three of these types of labor round the clock at his job.  It’s really no wonder at all that the other employees at his place of work experience such devastating burn out on a regular basis…

Some of the other workers that I continue to witness being exploited forever seem to be cultural workers, such as musicians.  Musicians rarely withhold their labor!  Even in times of great crises.  This is probably because we can’t NOT do it (play music, that is).  Usually, withholding our labor equates to denying ourselves our own psychological & emotional needs.  People such as myself work in the arts out of what the painter Wassily Kandinsky described as an “inner need”.  In his book “Concerning the Spiritual in Art”, he describes INNER NEED as the hunger for & act of SPIRITUAL EXPRESSION.  It is not so much a choice as it is an inherent, human need.  I noticed this concept is really hard for me to describe to some people.  Jobs and work mean different things to all of us and sometimes this depends entirely on our circumstances.  Some see work as a duty or a “calling”, some don’t give AF and just need money (pretty sure that’s all of us at this point), some view one thing as “self-expression” while someone else might consider that same thing a “craft” or at worst- a “product” to be sold.  However-

If we live under manufactured scarcity (capitalism) and DIY music scenes are even committed to replicating these hierarchical structures (with venues, promoters/bookers, etc) why don’t DIY bands do the same?

We should seize the means of our production (continue to record our own records & put them out ourselves) and ONLY play live virtual sets where we control all the details of the production, especially our wellbeing during “the gig”.  We can disperse access to these shows by our own means and see to it that everyone gets paid fairly for their labor. 

We can manufacture scarcity too (and probably even make it look CUTER in the process!), if that is the game we are forced to play.  What if we refused to perform any shows at any venues with any bookers until our needs are met: masks & CLEAN SAFE AIR, MONEY for our needs and our labor, healthy food, clean water, a place to sit/relax/get grounded, assistance in hard manual tasks such as load in and load out plus gear management at the show, parking for necessary vehicles, etc.  Maybe then, people who are disabled, chronically ill, or elderly won’t be literally excluded from these communities?  Actually, fuck INCLUSION.  Why desire to be “included” where you were never wanted nor welcome?  Just build something new, so you don’t have to be bothered by shitty, reluctant “inclusion” and can instead revel in the loving sweetness of liberation.  Music and liberation have always paired together quite nicely imho.

We can also refuse to play at any venues owned by complete pieces of shit!  (Here’s looking at YOU, Boston!)  We can withhold our labor until all needs are met.  And if they can’t be?  Well at least we protected ourselves and our bodyminds and got to stick around just a pinch longer for our loved ones who need us in this lifetime…

So what about the others that simply do not care?  Let the scabs scab away (they were gonna do it regardless).  No one needs to hold the embarrassment of them *for them* (it probably wouldn’t even fit in our bodies!).  This world will always be inhabited by some degree of ruthless vultures, shameful opportunists, scammers and pillagers.  What’s cool about scabs is that they eventually dry up and crackle and fall off.  What’s left underneath, in ideal conditions anyways, is a layer of newly healed skin, ready to take on another day.  

disclaimer: I wrote this “essay” couple weeks ago but for the first time on this blog anyways, 
I decided to spend more time on the writing.  I mulled things over, did lots of editing, and even asked for outside help.  I kinda liked this process!  I still love gutteral screaming and vomiting of emotions, don’t get me wrong!  But there is also something to be said about articulation.  

ANYWAYS - it’s Thursday, March 6, 2025, bout 5:37 PM.  It’s raining outside so I can’t drive to the pool because our windshield wipers are still broken lmao.  My cat is curled up by my feet as I sit up in bed posting this!

CRIP TIME

It Monday, February 24, 2025.  I just got home from the pool where I executed my required daily exercise.  However, I had to “cut it short” meaning, I only swam for 45 out of my regular 60 minutes.  I needed to treat a low blood sugar that occurred while swimming and it took a while.

The whole time I was exercising I thought about a friend from high school who recently reached out with an inquiry.  They wanted to know if I had any resources to share about “crip time”.  My first immediate emotion was EXCITEMENT.  Crip time is intuitively perceived by those who experience it and it is a common concept among people who experience chronic illness/disability.  Since they asked for that literature, I couldn’t help but wonder: WHAT DOES YOUR CRIP CLOCK LOOK LIKE, FRIEND??  (It tends to look different for everyone.)

Crip time is a concept that is frequently alluded to in disability justice studies and aims to articulate the point that different people experience time differently depending on what they have going on.  It explores personal, internal, individual experiences of time, as relative to other variables but without a “fixed” measurement.  I feel that pondering the expansiveness of crip time would be helpful for people who aren’t constantly ill in understanding what it’s like to be so.  But its also helpful to reexamining all aspects of modern life and its continually failing/crumbling systems and structures as well as our relationships to them.

This concept was one of those things that I personally felt an affinity to and a relationship with even before I had any “words” to describe it.  Even before I was a “diagnosed” person (with T1D and “schizo stuff”), I was always kinda sickly, for lack of better words.  I had to spend a lot of time sick at home instead of going to the preschool where my mom worked.  I was literally born sick but if you want this story you should likely ask my mother as I was too young at the time to recount much memory of it.  

As a young child and teenager, I remember “time traveling” in my head.  I looked forward to revisiting the worlds that I constructed over nights in my sleep, I loved looking at old photos or notebooks to be reminded of things passed, I LOVED “spacing out” in class as kids do, etc.  However, whenever a teacher would call it “daydreaming” I would get confused.  That space out time to me was more accurately understood (internally) as “time travel”.  As an adult, I’ve tried to do more analysis of this.  My current conclusion is that my individual crip clock is highly related to space (environments- which can be a combination of internal and external “spaces”) and emotions felt within.  But we are constantly measured instead against real “time”.  So I can see where the term ‘time travel’ came for me, but it’s not the full picture.

I haven’t read many sources analyzing “crip time” myself (but wish I did! PLZ send me your fav crip time resources!!!).  Instead, I often observe it in art/music/film/literature/life.  It seems to creep up in my own stuff that I work on, of its own accord.  I am still coming to understand it through my own experience.  This makes sense considering it is an internal, perceived reality.  It exists outside of our “collectively experienced reality”.  However - even when learning about internal perceptions, it is extremely valuable to hear those of others because I suspect it might lead to furthering knowledge and understanding of the collective consciousness.  To investigate this, one could start by looking at art made by disabled artists and note any references to time, clocks, watches, hourglasses, sundials, etc.

Here are some of my perceptions of CRIP TIME as well as insight into my own crip clock, in a completely random order as they pop into my head: 

• The nonlinear/referential storytelling in popular movies like Fight Club (just rewatched that few nights ago, so its on my mind rn).  Through storytelling and editing, the film jumps between different bits of “time” as they are recalled and strung together by our “unreliable”/mentally “unstable” narrator/protagonist.
• The “Disintegration Loops” by William Basinski (a fellow crip friend recommended this to me many years ago as “good tattooing music” and I feel like I understand WHY).  As listeners, we experience the gradual deterioration of the mesmerizing sound loops that Basinski recorded.  As the loops occupy new time/space - they sound different altogether, even though the source material is still the same.  Its the process of “preservation” or, Basinski’s attempt to digitize analog sound and replicate it, that causes the “disintegration” of the sound loops.  So the loops are the same but given the passage of time and transference between spaces, they degrade in sound quality eventually and are never reliably the same again.  It makes me think of a piece of audio as a single human body, slowly decaying over time but always with an inner world/soul in tact.
• Experimental electronic/hardware shows where the musician manipulates sound/speed in a “live setting” as part of their set/approach to audio art, as it is perceived by an audience of listeners based in “real time” (a live music show setting - collectively perceived).
• Working on a new tattoo but employing both techniques of “machine” (time speeds up) and “handpoke” (time slows down), keeping in mind the added variable time fragment of HEALING.  You can’t “overwork” the skin as you tattoo.  Tattooing is essentially, trauma applied to the skin.  If the skin has endured too much trauma in one sitting it needs to heal up before you execute another tattooing session, which then requires more healing time.  Additionally, different bodies take different lengths of time to heal.  The “standard” in tattooing world is 2-3 weeks for a tattoo to heal up.  However, the longer I live with diabetes, I noticed my extremities (hands/arms & legs/feet) take closer to 4+ weeks to heal a tattoo now (variable healing as passage of time/accumulation of trauma to the body).
• Using spray paint (fast time) as well as tiny brush strokes (slow time), among many other processes, on a single canvas “painting” (a defined space/environment).  Different paints take different lengths of time to dry, meaning I either have to wait for one layer to dry before applying another or I use its intermediate “not quite wet but not quite dry” state to apply different techniques with varying results.  Painting in general is highly exhibitive of my crip clock - it allows me to leave my annoying, demanding, and often very painful body for many hours at a time.  This can be a beautiful relief but also a curse since there are no breaks from 24/7 diseases such as T1D.  Any “break” you do end up taking will undoubtedly cost you more precious health (did you check your blood sugars? did you change your CGM? did you call the pharmacy/clinic/insurance monsters again to see if we can still access those this month??? did you eat “the right thing” in “the right way”?).  However, I enjoy all activities where time ceases to exist, even if momentarily.  Or even if time does still exist, that is only secondary to an internal or external space I inhabit and experience, as amplified by the emotions felt and experienced.
  
• Spending 8 hours just having band practice lmao.  I know as an adult that is hard to execute and usually this activity has constraints.  I also understand why tho - to “protect” each individual’s time which is very important to each person’s health and wellbeing.  Nonetheless - my favorite collective music projects were the ones where we had little to no time constraints, especially while creating/generating, as reckless as that may be.
• The acts of non-linear video editing as well as linear film editing (cutting & splicing film fragments, rearranging them, then taping them up to make the “edit”) alongside the use of an optical printer (a re-photographing machine that allows you to manipulate footage by speeding it up or slowing it down as well as many other cool effects).  The editing of the film or video has a direct impact on the meaning of a story or the expression of an emotion/experience.  It is dictated by variables such as arrangement, pacing, or the relation of one segment to what came before or after.

In case those examples don’t make sense of CRIP TIME conceptually or illustrate my crip clock, consider these different individual realities regarding what ONE HOUR (as a unit of measurement) might mean to 5 completely different individuals in 5 completely different “environments” & “emotional states”.  The only important part of this exercise is that you must wholeheartedly “put yourself in their shoes”.

Using the examples above, I can ascribe an emotion to each examination of time.  I can also ascribe an environment/space to each as well.  This is how I interpret those examples considering my perceptions of TIME/SPACE/EMOTION, according to my own perception of crip time as dictated by my ever-changing crip clock:

[NOTE: symbol “∝” means “proportional to”]

I started crying while writing this out because an intrusive memory came forth in my mind.  It made me think of several years ago when I was in another scary hospitalization in a locked down ward.  This was a long one for me compared to past ones.  Time moves all kinds of ways in those spaces but is especially SLOW leading up to the PRECIOUS visitor hours [TRAUMA-INDUCING SPACE + “anticipation” x “longing”].  My mom was the only person who would visit me daily in these spaces (BLESS) and I rarely shared with others in my life where I was and why.  This became more difficult when I moved into my current home and had to explain to all housemates why my mother was sleeping in my bedroom all month instead of me lol.  I used to think my mom did that because she was my mom and was worried (those places are traumatically awful at treating physical conditions alongside psychiatric ones - but thats an entirely different essay right there).  I now know that she did it because she knows all too well what it’s like to be denied your bodily needs (she is a fellow crip after all).  At one visit, she gave me a watch that my dad fixed himself and needed to give to me.  He is a lifelong “tinkerer” and enjoys fixing clocks and watches.  I don’t remember why he wanted to give it to me then or if I asked at all.   I accepted it and wore it daily as a source of comfort, kinda like how a ship out at sea needs a reliable anchor as much as it needs sails for speed.  It eventually broke one day, but much later after I was out of the hospital and feeling better.  I was relieved because I felt I didn’t need that particular watch anymore (but I still have it somewhere because I’m a sentimental “hoarder”).  While that watch is an instrument of collective TIME, its importance to me lies in EMOTIONal value and meaning in relation to a particular SPACE.

I am not sure if this will sound coherent at all but I tried my very best regardless of the final result.  To write this out - I tried to “employ” my whole inner team to articulate a concept very dear to my heart and being.  I am sending a paycheck to: my inner curious child (a.k.a. “artist”), my inner “schizo” (she helps me see connections that help me understand stuff), my inner psychologist/sociologist, my inner scientist (she’s very “Sherlock-Holmes-ey” but lacks academic credentials), my inner teacher (internalized learning adopted from my mom- the greatest teacher of them all IMHO), even my inner mathematician (although I do admit - that girl is SO unqualified for her position!! F minus on her test for sure!!).

I also “employed” an external team for this piece of writing too.  (However I can’t afford to “pay” you all IRL, but please send an IOU).  My real-life physicist friend/ex taught me a math symbol to aid in my made up formula.  He taught me the symbol for “proportional to” which helped me communicate what that equation means to me better.  I reached out to several writer friends to assist in edits to make sure this piece could communicate my ideas to as many people as possible.  My life partner offered valuable insight as well.  After sharing my formula with him, he did some research on his phone as he always does and told me that this concept has been recognized by others before!

I acknowledge that society ignores the thoughts and voices of disabled people because I see examples of this play out in front of me daily.  We may sound “uncomfortable”, too “heavy” or “dark”, “too emotional”, too “wrapped up in ourselves and our needs”, too “COMPLAINING” or “IRRITATING”.  Often times, people may not even believe us when we describe our symptoms or experiences - this especially sucks when those people are healthcare providers!  But it also hurts immensely when it’s someone we love.  Whatever it is - I do understand it and why it happens.  I feel that way ALL THE TIME TOO (towards myself and others).  But it breaks my dang heart all day, everyday, just like it does others.  It often feels like way too much to hold.  Maybe because its an example of ableism & internalized ableism (we ALL have this “ism” within us and we all live among it).  Like the other “isms” - it’s hard to understand if you don’t deal with it directly.  However, it is inextricably linked to all the other “isms” (classism, racism, sexism to name a few), which aid in the understanding of its unique concepts as well as those of the collective.

Ableism feels to me like hatred of others because you hate your own self (and also refuse to confront mortality).  But you only got there because the society you inhabit [EXTERNAL SPACE] made you hate your own self first [INTERNAL SPACE].

Luckily, we always have internal perception to retreat to as respite from unmanageable limitations/constraints/restraints/circumstance.  With the collective power of our individual perceptions COMBINED, maybe we could become CAPTAIN PLANET, suddenly capable of imagining NEW worlds/structures/systems/spaces we could inhabit.  Ones where everyone’s needs can be met without any stigma or problems at all.

I wonder if after this eventual convergence we will still have any need for our internally perceived spaces at all??? 

It’s Friday, February 28, 2025. 5:57 PM.  I just got back from my required exercise at the pool and my hair is still wet.  Remnants from breakfast are still lodged in my teeth and gums and I want to go water-floss them out but it’s more efficient to wait til after I eat my next meal at this point (I’m having that meal right now).

I had a *most* American moment today when I stopped for groceries on my way home from the pool.  I was in a rush, so I popped into the grocery store that was along the way as opposed to my usual one.  This grocery store was called “America’s Food Basket”.

Today there is a national economic boycott, which I have been adhering to, however - diabetics need to eat!  I took comfort in the fact that I don’t use my own “money” at the grocery store, which is what the boycott requests that you *do not use*.  I instead use my EBT card and I was praying there was enough on it today, even though it’s the last day of the month, meaning the chances of that being a reality are slim. (For context: my EBT refills on the first of the month, however, this looks different for everyone.  Your “date of renewal of benefits” is sometimes based on when you applied/were approved for them.)

Once I reach the end of the produce section, a man with an iPad approaches me.  He asks me if I am an Eversource customer, which I am, since my household receives electricity through this utility company.  I was quick to tell him that we are renters, not homeowners.  I did this because I’ve been approached by people in grocery stores before asking if I wanted the state to pay for solar panels for our home.  As much as I wish I could take them up on this offer - it only works if you’re the homeowner.  My landlord could not care less about our “utility needs” lol.  

This guy reassures me that he *is not* trying to sell me solar panels and that he is simply helping people reduce their utility bills.  I looked around and saw there were others like him, following shoppers around with an iPad doing the same.  I was *relieved* because we haven’t paid that bill since July and it’s our highest bill out of all 3 (electric, gas, internet).  That bill is in my name for our house and only because I am the only resident in our home who is on Medicaid and EBT consistently.  As the bill holder, this grants me a hefty discount that we can all share the benefit of.  However, I am terrible at managing bills, especially when split between 6 people, and dropped the ball on it long ago.  (But I will pick the ball up again when I am able!)

He takes down all my info and accesses my account.  I tell him I’m in a hurry and need to be home by 6pm.  He says that’s ok and that he can walk with me as I get my groceries.  My initial thought was - OH NO TOO MUCH NOISE AND DATA AND ITS CROWDED IN HERE AND WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO GET AGAIN IDK.  It was rush hour traffic and the store was indeed very crowded, noisy, and overwhelming.  I was also not familiar with its layout and struggled to find my items quickly.  But I continue to talk to him because we REALLY REALLY need that discount.

We eventually get to the checkout line and I am finalizing my exchange with this guy as I try to pay for my groceries.  He needed to ask me a bunch of more questions and I had to sign off on some stuff on his iPad.  My total at the register came to about $42 and I swiped my EBT card with prayers in tow.  It was declined. 

“You have $7 left” says the man at the register.  I told him I would still like to use the $7.  I swipe again after he adjusts the amount.  So now I have about $35 left to pay.  I begin to worry and panic because all I had on me was $10 in cash that I need for later and my debit card.  All my credit cards are still shut off because I can’t pay them right now.  My dude with the iPad says - “Are you short?”  He hands me a $15 gift card to this specific grocery store.  Its part of the “reward” for engaging with him about my Eversource bill.  I thank him incessantly and accept the gift card, in front of the cashier.  He tells me I can use it right now.  I hand the gift card to the cashier.

“You can’t use that” says the cashier.  I get confused.

“But he just said I could” I tell him.

“You can’t use it twice” he replies.

“But I just got it, so how could I have used it before?”

The guy with the iPad interjects and reassures the cashier that I am using it for the first time since he literally just gave it to me.

The cashier finally accepts it and puts it in his cash drawer.  However, I am still deeply confused.  If they take the gift card after you use it, how could anyone use it twice???

Knowing this question is likely not allowed, I instead put on my “DUMB GIRL” voice to appease any tension in the situation.  (This is not something I have control over, it seems.)  “HAHAHA I’M SO SORRY, I AM ALWAYS SO CONFUSED BY STUFF, HAHA. EXCUSE ME”.

I now owe $20 and confidently swipe my debit card.  I was worried about using it because today rent was due, so I know there is $800 less in my account.  I also know I am due for SO MANY car repairs that I have also put off since the summer and the list is getting hard to keep up with.  There are two immediate needs I know I need to pay for in the next week alone before I even get to the next stuff.  Knowing my car will not pass inspection until I address all the needs on the car repair list, I have been putting that off as well.

Anyways, I am so happy I walked into that grocery store today, because we really do need help with our Eversource bill!  And also, I’m glad that listening to this guy and accepting his help granted me a discount on my groceries.  However, I am still left wondering why the cashier didn’t want to accept my gift card.  Maybe he just didn’t like the looks of me and wanted to give me trouble?  Maybe he himself doesn’t fully understand how the eversource gift cards work?  I’ll never know I guess and it doesn’t matter.

But yea, isn’t america WEIRD?