Its Thursday, February 20, 2025.  4:41PM.  I’m sitting on my living room couch, attempting to regulate myself after a stressful doctor appointment.  The appointment was routine, at my diabetes clinic, where I have to go every 3 months.  At these routine appointments, they take all the standard stuff: blood pressure, weight, in the moment glucose-check using their own device, and draw blood to determine your overall A1C.

Then, you go see your endocrinologist to review data from the past 3 months (they can electronically access my CGM data and that is what we review together), we discuss what prescriptions need to be renewed or adjusted, where the strategically best pharmacy is to send them (sometimes my local CVS has supply shortages, so I have to use hospital pharmacies to source those supplies), ETC.  It’s always a lot for me, which is why I try to bring a buddy to these appointments.  But the buddy is there more for emotional support, because usually the buddy is WAY more confused than I am lol (it’s just a lot of DATA at once, I don’t blame them!).

Before leaving for the appointment, I received a stressful email from the manufacturers of my medical device that I rely on (my CGM; manufactured by a company called Abbott).  The email said that by September 2025, my current device (Freestyle Libre3) will be discontinued to favor the production of a new device called Libre3 PLUS.  I hate any disruption to my routine because I rely on routines to regulate stuff in my body, so I tried hard not to freak out.  I don’t care so much about the device being new.  The problem is: HEALTH INSURANCE MONSTER.  Any new item/device/prescription needs to be approved and sometimes fought for.  This could take literal MONTHS to figure out.  Its just another routine disruption, and quite a headache at that.

When speaking with my endo, she told me my A1C was 6.8 right now.  So, it did increase as I expected (past few months have been stressful AF), but I was comforted to know it hadn’t skyrocketed as much as I thought.  However, A1C’s are not the END ALL/BE ALL of diabetic management, contrary to what most simple medical texts would lead you to believe.  We had to review and address the extreme blood sugar fluctuations in my CGM data.  Here is a photo of some of the data we reviewed:

If there are too many extreme highs and lows throughout the day, everyday, it actually doesn’t matter that you were “in range” most of the time.  You have to research the quantity AND quality of the blood sugar stuff.  The swings become a problem because this has direct effects on brain function.  I can confirm that, because extreme blood sugar fluctuations do have a severe impact on managing my mental health.  I also suspect they make me TIRED AF like allll the time, which would make logical sense considering these constant swings throughout every day take a large toll on all bodily systems.

The strategy we came up with and agreed to was that I will go back to eating the EXACT SAME breakfast everyday (1/2 cup of plant-based yogurt, 1/4 cup of berries, supplemented by my standard nuts and seeds).  Plus: a single glass of iced coffee with no more that 1/4 cup of unsweetened almond milk, which also informs the “carb count”/insulin dose of the meal.  She said this would help out with managing sugars the rest of the day and provide some much needed “stability”.  I did loathe this compromise though, because breakfast is my favorite meal of the day and I love a wide variety of breakfast foods lol.  But I am willing to (grudgingly) make this compromise for the greater good!

I had to ask her my burning question - why is my current CGM being discontinued?  I showed her the email I received and she was surprised because she had not gotten this information yet.  We looked it up on the internet together and had a brief discussion about diabetic supply companies/practices.  Based on our brief research, she told me the new CGM is more suited for those using a system closer to a “closed-loop” for diabetic management.  This means, they rolled out the new product and want us all to use it because they assume we are all on insulin pumps as well.  However, I am not.  I prefer to use manual pen injections at this time for insulin delivery throughout the day in order to manage my stress levels/anxiety about medical devices.  This actually led to a wider conversation about STUFF (me: “so, is this just a ‘capitalism’ thing?” her: “Hahaha. Yes.”).  I told her about last year when I reached out to Abbott (my CGM manufacturer) asking why they no longer included standard alcohol prep pads in every CGM kit.  Alcohol pads are *required* when replacing your CGM.  Since those are devices with needles that sit inside you for 14 days in a row, you absolutely need to make sure the area where you apply it is CLEAN AF.  I do usually keep alcohol pads on me in my diabetic kit that is always in my bag, but sometimes they dry up and are useless.  I used to really RELY on those pads being included with every CGM kit.  Essentially, the company told me that they stopped including them to cut their production costs, which was extremely offensive to me (because those guys already make A LOT OF MONEY off of us).  My endo said that it’s cheaper/easier for the company to stop making Libre3 in favor of Libre3Plus.  Then, we discussed how shitty it is that a company that produces diabetic supplies favors their own corporate interests every time, as opposed to the interests of the literal patients they are serving!

Another hot topic we had to address was my “pituitary gland THING”.  Last year, I got an MRI scan of my brain in hopes of finding the causes of my ongoing hand pain.  The results gave no answers on that - but they did show something else that I now have to “monitor” regularly with my endo as well (because pituitary glands are a component of the endocrine system, same as a pancreas is).  What confuses me still about that is that the clinicians performing the MRI scans as well as my PCP referred to it as a “pituitary gland tumor” while my endo refers to it as a “pituitary gland lesion”.  Whatever its actual name is maybe doesn’t matter?  They are quite common in the human population and are usually nothing to worry about.  But, you do have to keep an eye on it, especially when you already deal with another “disruption” to the endocrine system, such as my T1D.  To keep an eye on it - my endo asked me to do a “salivary cortisol test”.  She gave me this kit twice before, but I kept forgetting to do it.  You have to take saliva samples under specific conditions two nights in a row and return it immediately next day to the lab for testing.  I asked her what the expiration on those tests was but she did not know.  She told me to ask the lab clinicians when I ask them to give me another kit for this test.  So I go to the lab and ask for the test.  When they find some and give it to me, I read over the instructions with them and ask the burning question about its expiration.  How long are they good for?  Nobody knew and told me to ask my endo.  I told them that my endo told me to ask THEM.  We all stood there (3 of us) in a circle of confusion.  Finally, one of the clinicians pointed to an expiration date on the tube for the test!  We were still unsure how long the tests were good for after collecting the sample, but at least we had more DATA.  

My second burning question was: the instructions for taking the test specifically state to not collect the saliva sample when your gums are bleeding.  But, due to my advanced gum disease, my gums are always bleeding!  I asked them if this would greatly affect the results of my test.  Again, nobody knew the answer to this and we were all deeply confused.  I asked them: “Should I ask my endo, my PCP, or my dentist this question?” but nobody knew the answer to that as well.  It’s very frustrating when literal questions have no known answers in clinical settings.  We decided I would still do the test, as per instructions, and hope for the best, but be mindful to take the results “with a grain of salt”.

Feeling extremely frazzled by these details plus so many more that are too long to type out, I finally exit the clinic after making my next two follow-up appointments and head to the parking garage.  The kiosk at this garage only takes credit cards.  This became a problem, mainly because I am terrible at managing my finances lol and all my current credit cards are maxxed out and unusable.  I only had my debit card and cash.  The kiosk could not accept my payment.  I tried hard not to panic lol because I felt “trapped”.  I really do loathe going to the Longwood medical area of Boston, probably due to too much past trauma experienced there.  I look around for a parking attendant, but don’t see anyone.  Finally, I find the “garage supervisor office”.  I had been going to this garage for the past 10+ years but never knew this existed!!  There was an actual human there who I could explain my problem to and she accepted my cash payment.  Just a testament to the value of HUMANS being there to help as opposed to only relying on faulty/limited MACHINES. 

On a “bad day”, I would have probably lost my shit 7 times over during the course of those two hours.  But instead, I took it slow.  I gave myself time and space to think, I allowed myself to ask questions, and I forgave the world for not providing me with necessary answers.  When a system is faulty - there is no more logic, you really can’t count on that.  There is no sustaining pattern or routine you can rely on.  You have to accept the frustrations of RANDOMNESS and VARIABILITY resulting from it.  

But also, I was able to regulate myself because a fellow chronically-ill internet friend sent me some soft cat memes before my appointment.  Every time I began to feel overwhelmed, I just thought about that one cat, sitting on top of a box that his cat sibling was in.  Is this “meditation” lol??? IDK words can be useless sometimes.

Then I cried while sitting in confusing rush hour traffic the whole ride home THE END

It's Tuesday, February 18, 2025.  I'm sitting up in bed, in my room, though there is not much room for sitting up here because you only have like 4 feet (? maybe less?) of height to work with lol

Couple nights ago I was watching a movie I was kinda surprised I hadn't seen before.  I was a huge Wes Craven fan as a kid, but had never seen "THEY" (2002).  I acquired a VHS copy of it a while ago and finally got around to watching it.  I did not get any "Wes Craven *vibe*" from it tbh.  I looked up why that might be and found out his name was "slapped" on it for publicity reasons.  Turns out, he was not involved with the development/production of it, and even stated he didn't like it himself lol.  Additionally, there was a particular scene in it that made me *need* to turn it off.  It made me think about alllll of the stuff, too much, and all at once.  Here is an attempt to organize all that stuff:

In the US, when you leave the doctors office or get discharged from an extended hospital stay with a new diagnosis- I feel like you don’t really receive enough useful information about your new illness.  Depending on your resources, the best outcome you can expect will include: 

• A “diagnosis” usually made based on limited data and not enough available context. For example- a person enters a hospital while in crisis. The only available data the doctors will have is what they collect about the patient *while they’re in crisis*. They know little about the patient otherwise in regard to their regular daily life (what they’re like when not in crisis, interests/hobbies, lifestyle details, relationships, personality type, etc).
• A “treatment plan”, but one randomly assigned to you based on limited data.  It may not suit you or meet your needs in the end, but you will have to deal with that problem much later.  For example, one time I was put on a psych med while in crisis.  But after gathering much data over time spent *not* in crisis, I noticed it caused extended elevated blood sugars.  Since this directly conflicts with my T1D management, I had to stop this med and replace it with another.  But I didn’t know that until I had gathered enough data and noticed the pattern disruption.
• “Referrals" to new healthcare services that you will now rely on. The chances of these services helping you out, as they are made available to you, will also vary. Always a mixed bag where you must engage in long processes of “trial-and-error” before you find what works for you if you are able to find that truth at all.

It can be very frustrating, especially if your realm of interests/existing knowledge/expertise has absolutely nothing to do with medicine, biology, anatomy, or science at all. You are kinda forced to become a budding scientist yourself, which can be so overwhelming if you really were endeavoring to do something/anything else with our limited time here on earth/the mortal plane. It can also be frustrating if you are ill. Not everyone has the capacity to do this exhaustive research themselves.

I’ve spent a lot of time in healthcare settings being "treated" for a condition I still do not understand.  It affects my life greatly and has many toxic interactions with my physical condition. And yet- I have to continue to live with it, manage it, and try to understand it. But all while working from very limited and inherently flawed “data”.  I try to be kind to myself along the way, because this stuff does get complex and at times way too complex for me.  

Disclaimer: different people with this disease present differently, so I can only speak of my own experienced symptoms.  I prefer to not use the diagnosis term generally (“schizo-affective disorder”) because its only one of several different diagnoses I have gotten surrounding my struggles with mental health (but it is the most recently used one, after my lengthiest stay at a facility, so I will use it here rn).  I prefer to just call it my "schizo" stuff and leave it at that.  I never trust labels as provided by the DSM because history alone has proven them to be untrustworthy.  

My symptoms can include: 

• "apophenia" & "ideas of reference": apophenia refers to a brain activity that is constantly seeking patterns, sometimes between unrelated things.  Every human engages in apophenia to some extent.  Pattern recognition probably helped humans figure stuff out like weather forecasting, farming/agricultural practices, maybe math stuff? IDK, but probably helps lots of things!  Pattern recognition helps me personally when it comes to diabetic management (reviewing CGM data to see where blood spikes/blood drops happen, figure out why, and try to make sure you fix the disruption).  But, when this system is itself “disrupted” (or, when your brain is overstimulated/dysregulated), you begin to perceive false patterns - meaning, you attribute a pattern structure to actually unrelated/random things.  “Ideas of reference” are a type of apophenia, where “perceived patterns are interpreted as personally significant” (but this perception is also usually false).  An example from personal life:  I was feeling unwell one day, so my sweetie (life partner) and I went to a diner we had never been to before.  We both share a love of greasy-spoon diners, both find them viscerally comforting, and also love sharing our meticulous critiques of each diner lol (he likes his home fries extra burnt/crispy and cut into smaller pieces while I prefer bigger chunk pieces and prefer them soggy/undercooked; but we both usually agree that they should always be waaaaay over seasoned).  So we went to a diner called “Ritchie’s” in Hyde Park that day.  Since its our first time in this diner, I actually look at the menu.  I notice the diner logo has an “Rx” symbol, like on a prescription bottle, under the “R” in “Ritchie’s”.  I *immediately* panicked lol.  I start to look around, trying to catch the vibe of this place.  It does appear kind of “clinical” to me, as far as decor goes.  I panic more.  This is because one of my paranoid delusions that tends to flare up often is that clinicians are conspiring against me, attempting to “lock me away for good”.  (This is actually based in real trauma, as lots of symptoms of schizophrenia are, but thats a tangent for a different discussion entirely). Luckily, my partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years and he knows me/my illnesses quite well.  Sometimes/when appropriate, I run my paranoid thoughts by him for a “check-up”.  I point out the “Rx” to him.  He probably knew I was feeling dysregulated and was hyperfixating on this one seemingly small/unimportant detail.  He said- “Why don’t you just ask them why the logo looks that way?”  But, when in fear, I absolutely do not ask questions.  The safest thing always seems to be to flee (but this is also a common trauma-response in all humans).  He sees I am struggling with that option, so he turns to the waitress who took our order.  We were sitting at the counter, so she was right there.  This person was extremely sweet and was even delighted to hear his question.  She proceeded to give us a short history of her family’s business.  The diner used to be a pharmacy, run by her now-deceased relative.  When he passed, the family wanted to keep the business running in his memory, but no one felt passionate about pharmacies.  They decided to turn it into a diner/convenience store instead because they did feel passionate about food!  The “Rx” under “Ritchie’s” is simply an homage to him and his memory.  (I saved the menu from that day and keep it to remind me to ask questions, even when it’s scary or *feels* scary to do so.)
• "flight of ideas": a sudden bombardment of thoughts/perceptions/intuitions.  I hate this one a lot because it makes me really annoying to talk to during a flare up.  It leads to confusion, disorganized thinking, and when really bad - disorganized speech.  It can be very overwhelming, not just for me internally but for anyone I am attempting to communicate with.  When thoughts/perceptions/intuitions race too fast through your brain, it really is hard to keep up!  So I am not surprised that verbal/speech communication fails me at times like this, or any moment of “high stress”/anxiety.  But, on a good day - I appreciate flights of ideas.  When I make space for them, I actually learn a lot!  They help me understand concepts that are normally too much/too complex on a “normal” day, if that makes sense.
• paranoid delusions: for me, this is the monster that governs over all my other symptoms of this illness.  It is what it sounds like and probably results from all the other symptoms combined.  Some common paranoid delusions can be: thoughts of being watched/surveilled, thoughts of persecution (like, everyone is out to get you/kill you for some unknown reason to you), thoughts that others are “messing” with you such as teasing/bullying/everyone being “in on the joke” except you.
• catatonic state: an unresponsive state where you are no longer speaking, sometimes not even able to move, and no longer capable of responding to any sensory input/stimuli.  My only experiences of catatonic state both happened when I was deep in psychosis but I only know this information from clinicians/doctors after-the-fact, as I do not have any internal memory of these moments myself.
• psychosis: a description of a mental health state where the person experiencing it has completely detached from our collectively perceived “reality”.  This word can be used as a “diagnosis” in and of itself, or be ascribed as a symptom of a related illness (such as schizo stuff).
• “poor” hygiene & “chaotic” personal spaces
• reduction in movement ability/poor motor skills
• hallucinations: sensory experiences (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) that are “falsely” perceived by the body/mind, when compared to our shared, collective experience of “reality”. 

Patient forums are VITAL to those who experience complex illnesses and/or combinations of complex illnesses.  Doctors usually fail us, especially in countries such as this one where integrative care (treating the body as a whole) is non-existent.  Your specialist is not in direct communication with your behavioral health team nor your dentist.  But should they be?  Absolutely so, in my opinion.  Because american healthcare doesn’t do this, it makes illness combos hard to learn about/decipher/treat effectively.  I have come to learn about and understand my illnesses through patient forums more than any “medical literature” or “advice” from doctors.  Forums are places where people talk openly and freely with others like them to figure it all out.  We share tips & tricks/hacks, management/treatment options and how effective/useful they are to us, plus so much more.  These experiences are deeply personal, but it seems that across the board, for most of us “schizos” these symptoms are typically not exclusive to being only negative or only positive.  Sometimes, its just background brain noise and you get used to it.  That was validating to hear from other patients because it is certainly not common knowledge and definitely no doctor ever told me that VITAL info.  In healthcare settings, I’ve only ever heard of this illness as a pathologized thing, one that needs to be like beaten with a stick or something.  (But I find this “treatment” method ineffective and try hard not to engage with it this way anymore.)  So why are sick people being told by doctors to beat ourselves with a stick??? This is likely due to mental health stigma which influences everything under the sun, including: media portrayals, medical texts, the structure and organization of healthcare systems, even schooling environments and politics/law.  It truly does make the head spin.  And it makes me paranoid AF as well lol

The TLDR of this post would be: schizos are not violent like in the movies!  Schizos are statistically more likely to have violence inflicted upon them.  They are likely more scared of you then you could ever be of them.

Yesterday, I re-watched the 2000 film “X-Men” on VHS in my living room - but it took me a long time.

As a person with disabilities, I am definitely intrigued by this movie.  The idea of “mutants” in the movie is presented as people who have “different” bodies and minds that clearly deviate from a “norm” or “standard” as dictated by society.  They are even persecuted by the society in which they live.  Part of the movie’s plot follows a politician who tries to garner support for his “anti-mutant” legislations.  He uses fear-mongering to convince his constituents that mutants should be punished, restrained/surveilled, and kept away from society because of the “dangers” they pose due to their natural "superhero" abilities.  I admit, to me there is a cute whimsy to viewing disabilities as “superpowers”, but I wonder WHY because disabilities literally force you to make adaptations.  In the realm of some current disability justice movements, the argument is made that no one is “disabled” so much as they exist in relation to an ableist society.  A society that expects everyone to be the same and have the same needs (even though that is not true nor has it ever been) is actually the source of the “disability”, not the individual who naturally exists “outside” of societal norms.  As an allegory for disability, X-Men isn’t so bad to me!  I did look for other disability analysis of this movie out of curiosity and found this particular piece of writing very insightful.  It also makes me want to watch the other X-Men movies in the franchise.  I also wonder if the “elevator pitch” for this movie over in Hollywood-land was: *~*DISABILITIES AS ABILITIES*~* or something to that cringey nature…

It is a strange experience to have in life, inhabiting a body that cannot “govern” nor regulate it’s own self. Such a body could very well harm its inhabitant, and this leads to problems such as disembodiment from the self. In the movie, each mutant has a “superpower” which is presented as a burden to that person but also as a gift to them.  But usually the “gift” part of the deal is not apparent until they learn more about themselves and how to live with it.  For example, one of the X-Men has lasers that shoot out of his eyes, so he wears specific glasses at all times as an adaptation to his superpower.  The glasses allow him to control and direct the force of the lasers that are naturally emitted from his eyes.  When the glasses are on, he doesn’t have to worry about harming himself or others and can save his power only for times when it is useful to him or others. 

Wolverine is an interesting character to me because his natural ability is the superpower of being able to heal wounds quickly (which is a power that me and my diabetic limbs ENVY greatly lol).  One heartbreaking scene in the movie is when Wolverine experiences a nightmare while sleeping.  The nightmare is a trauma flashback to being medically experimented on in an army base where he is implanted with the ability to extend metal knives from his hands.  His natural ability for healing himself was the reason he was a candidate for this traumatic experiment to begin with (which alone makes my head spin on many levels).  When in a heightened state of arousal, his weapons come out of his hands almost instinctually.  While having the nightmare, his friend and fellow mutant, Rogue, tries to wake him up.  But when he does, because of his anxious state, his knives come out and he accidentally stabs Rogue right through her chest.  She begins to die because of this fatal wound.  Luckily, Rogue’s superpower is absorbing the life energy of anyone she comes into contact with through physical touch, and that includes the abilities/superpowers of other mutants.  By touching Wolverine as she dies, she inherits his healing ability momentarily, allowing her stab wounds to close up and save her life.  But, this touch does nearly kill Wolverine in return.  If she had touched him for a moment longer, it would have sucked all the life out of him completely.

Rogue’s circumstances also hold lots of trauma due to her superpower alone, which is a common theme in the movie when examining the lives of most of the mutants.  Since she can’t control the fact that her touch sucks all the life energy out of others  - she has to avoid physical touch completely.  Touch provides a sense of safety, stress release, connection, and healing, among many other proven benefits.  Here is one medical study I found most interesting on the subject, especially in its SCOPE of study.  But imagine being cursed to spend your whole life avoiding that one thing?  Rogue can never feel safe, loved, or held by others the way “normal people” experience it, so her required adaptation is to learn how to source feelings of safety, stress reduction, and community through different means (but I never understood at the end of the movie if we ever get to literally know what that is for her so if you know PLZ TELL ME).  

In the movie, mutants are gathered and educated at an institute for them that one of the characters affectionately refers to as “mutant high”.  In this safe environment, people such as Rogue can learn how to adapt to their mutations and even learn how to control them or utilize their abilities for the good of others.  

I bet they have a lot of ethics classes in that school!  An ability can be used for good things and bad things (if you believe in binaries or dichotomies anyways, as Hollywood movies tend to operate), but this depends on the disposition of the person using an ability.  For example, Professor X is a mutant character and he is the founder of mutant high.  He is also a teacher there.  His mutant ability is that he can read and control the thoughts of others.  I guess he could become a bitter or spiteful man and justify using his ability for “evil”.  But, because he kept this in check somehow (that we don’t really get to know as viewers), he uses his abilities to do “good” instead, by committing himself to the lifelong work of helping other mutants harness, control, and understand their superpowers.  (Maybe dude had a REALLY good therapist for enough steady years in a row!)  I do find it interesting that among all the mutants in the movie - there are NOT many elders present.  There is only Professor X and his fellow mutant/nemesis Magneto.  (But it is stated in the movie that other mutants’ ages can be hard to tell due to their superpowers sometimes).  That feels like a testament to the fact that, according to the movie, mutant lives are ROUGH given the societies they live in, so elder age is rare to encounter.  It’s probably why the X-Men invest so heavily in educating new generations of mutants.

Magneto is an “evil” mutant in the story and even though he fights with Professor X, he is also his comrade and old friend.  At the end of the movie, after these dudes do all this EPIC BATTLE with each other, they still play a game of chess!  (Because in the end, mutants know mutants, and will always understand each other at the very core of the matter.)

Magneto has the ability to command magnetic fields, meaning that among other abilities, he can control metal objects.  The movie opens with a scene from his traumatic childhood in which he is shown as a young child entering an extermination camp during World War II.  As he is ripped apart from his parents by the Nazis, in his heightened state of emotion as well as physical restraint/violence against him, he somehow bends an entire metal fence nearby.  The phenomenon does not stop until one of the Nazis knocks him unconscious.  Throughout the whole movie, it is suggested that mutants originally become aware of their superpowers via moments of intense trauma, which is the first step in learning how to harness them.

Later in life, Magneto becomes a mutant who espouses an “us-against-them” mentality.  This is the fallacy that causes him to use his mutant abilities for “evil”.  It leads to his egoism, like in the movie he claims that mutants are inherently “better” than non-mutants.  He claims the mutants are a more “highly evolved” version of a normal human, and this hierarchical view is what maybe drives his destructive behaviors and actions.  This dude just wants to fight hierarchy with a different hierarchy after a lifetime of constant threats from a hierarchy!  On the other hand, Professor X is presented as a calm, collected man who believes in the potential of all humans working and living together as one.  He still remains committed to helping other mutants specifically, since he has the resources to do so, although I do find it interesting that we never learn as viewers exactly how or why he has those resources nor get to see or hear about his mutant-self past even though we learn about so many others.  What we do know as viewers is that Professor X is “visibly” disabled, as he is a wheelchair user. As a viewer, I assume he went through lots of his own trauma growing up as a mutant, but I am not privy to that.  I only get to see the bounty of his success in overcoming whatever that was in his past- such as the school he built for mutant children and the facilities underneath it built for fighting evil.  I wonder if this is some kind of story device - like are we not supposed to know the past of the mind-reader because he is the one who knows all?  Since he is always “listening” to the thoughts of others, is that why he doesn’t talk as much about his own? Or was his necessary adaptation (to managing his superpower)  becoming a person who communicates differently? IDK but… SO MANY QUESTIONS

I spent 12 hours watching this one movie today (which has an actual running time of 1 hour and 44 minutes).  I had to keep stopping it to process all my disorganized thoughts as they happen in “real time” (as opposed to crip time) so I’m glad I could accommodate this random brain activity today. It’s usually annoying having to stop and start a movie like that, understandably so. Usually, I can only digest films at my own pace when I am alone.

In the X-Men movie, there is nothing inherently “WRONG” with the mutants, nor are their abilities presented as things that should be pathologized nor ‘treated’ as a means of eradication of the ability.  It just means they have to pay extra care and attention sometimes, attune themselves, and learn to meet their needs as they arise.  The evil politician/artificially-turned mutant dies as a result of complications from his induced mutation because he couldn’t adapt to his new condition, physically speaking.  This makes me think of chronic conditions/disabilities acquired later in life, and how that varies in experience to those one has experienced for all of their life.  His death also speaks to how acquiring a mutation/superpower/disability changes your whole outlook on everything you ever knew. Before he dies, he essentially tells Storm that he finally kinda knows how she feels, being a mutant and all, after spending his entire political career hunting down people such as herself. It took becoming a mutant himself to truly understand the realities of her experiences of life. (But then he literally dies immediately after that.)

According to X-Men, a “superpower” (or “disability”) is something one needs to adapt to, learn to understand, and know better about the self so that you can use this ability to help the self and others.  So, SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE doing “the work” of trying to adapt and understand.  It is strange trying to get to know yourself internally while struggling so hard to adapt externally.  The kind of work you never get paid for (because there is no way to monetize it, especially under existing systems and structures; it simply exists outside of any “transactional” paradigm at all - but try explaining that to a capitalist!).  But it’s the kind of work we never even sought nor asked for either - as an experience, its not a PLEASURE, it’s an ENDURANCE and also one we have no other mortal choice but to execute.  But, it is our work, nonetheless, and so be it. I know that 12 hours is *annoyingly* long to spend digesting one movie, I agree!  But only when compared to some arbitrary “norm”.  I liked how this movie makes me see the value in moving towards acceptance rather than away from it. Sooooo I give it A+ , 10/10, Siskel & Ebert give it twenty three blow jobs and 600 bitcoin! Go inve$t in a watch of X-Men todayTM 

Side note - in this X-Men movie, the character of “Storm” is played by Halle Berry, who is a ~*~type 1 diabetic~*~*